


If you fail, try and try and fail again

by JoseyxNeko



Series: Getting It Wrong [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 50 Shades and Zelda references in the same story?!, Comedy, Crack, Cursed Prompts, Doesn't get as hot and heavy as it should tbh, Flirting, How does one Effort?, Humor, I'm so sorry, Making an Effort (Good Omens), Multi, Not as bad as Shark Porn, Prompt: Effort Catastrophies, The boys getting it wrong, Why is this 1500 words long? FML, oops i did it again, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:47:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23532559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoseyxNeko/pseuds/JoseyxNeko
Summary: There's a bit of a gap in the duo's sexual education.They try to fill it.Disasterously.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Getting It Wrong [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1714219
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71
Collections: The Not-Very-Nice and Anatomically-Inaccurate Prophecies of OLHTS





	If you fail, try and try and fail again

**Author's Note:**

> You think I'd be more sorry, but this was a lot of fun to write.
> 
> I make no excuses for my cursed brain.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> He/Him pronouns for both throughout, regardless of what's between their legs.

After the Nahpocalypse, it wasn’t always easy.

Despite being on Earth since the beginning, there were quite a few gaps in the couple’s knowledge of humans.

They knew about human courtship rituals. The males would dress all colourful and fluff their feathers to woo the females, and the females would eat the males once the ritual was over.

Crowley might’ve been confusing his species, but he understood the gist of it.

No. Their problems lay with their knowledge of human _anatomy_.

They’d just arrived at the bookshop after a lovely evening at the Ritz. The world was safe, the bookshop was back in one piece, and Crowley had his tongue down the Angel’s throat.

Aziraphale moaned indulgently, swiping his own tongue along the Demon’s top teeth, sucking lightly, fisting his hands in his fiery red air.

Crowley was weak at the knees. He forced the Angel through the doorway to the backroom, not once breaking their embrace, and pushed him down onto the sofa.

They finally broke apart, panting breathlessly, clawing at each other’s clothes.

“What have you got under all these layers for me, Angel?” he growled, undoing the ancient waistcoat buttons delicately, in contradiction to his tone and desperation.

Aziraphale giggled, removing Crowley’s glasses and pulling his silver scarf over his head. “Didn’t you take a look when we were in each other’s bodies?”

“Oh Angel, we’re not in each other’s bodies yet,” he flashed his teeth before liking a stripe up from the dip of Aziraphale’s collarbones, all the way to his lightly stubbled chin. The cologne mixed with his natural musk was intoxicating.

“Oh Crowley, you do say the most romantic things!” the Angel cried out.

At that moment, they both got their hands into each other’s flies and froze.

“Um. Angel? You’re not making an effort,” Crowley said tightly.

“Well neither are you!” Aziraphale replied indignantly.

“Any plans to make one any time soon?”

“You first.”

“No, I insist. After you, Angel.”

“I was going to make one based on the one you made.”

“You haven’t got a fucking clue either, have you?” Crowley sighed, sitting back on the sofa with his head in his hands.

“Not a sausage,” Aziraphale replied, joining him upright.

“It’s _like_ a sausage,” Crowley pointed out.

Aziraphale huffed, and straightened his collar. “What are we going to do, Crowley? I know why _I_ have no experience in this area; I’m an _angel_. We were forbidden from canoodling with humans after that whole Nephilim incident, not that I was interest anyway. I thought _you,_ what with being a _Demon_ and all-”

“What? Just because I’m a Demon means I’m a master in debauchery? Is that what you’re implying?” Crowley tried to pretend his feelings weren’t hurt by the Angel’s assumption.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Aziraphale pouted. “I only thought that maybe a job from-” he pointed downwards, “may have necessitated you to have some... _expertise_ in the area.”

“Well I don’t!” Crowley snapped. “Don’t you have some diagrams in your books? Pictures? I know you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey, Angel. You _must_ know at least something about human genitalia?”

“I’m afraid not,” Aziraphale deflated. “No amount of literature in the world has prepared me for actually manifesting genitals of my own. I think we’re just going to have to give it the old college try, and see how it goes.”

Crowley made some non-committal noises, before settling on, “Fine. But you’ll have to show me a book on anatomy, because I really haven’t got a clue.”

\--

“Right! I’ve got it on. What do you think, Angel?”

Aziraphale looked at the slit between Crowley’s legs. They were both still wearing their shirts, but gone were their trousers and underwear, in the name of science. He squinted at it, and looked back to the picture in the Book of Human Anatomy.

“Well, it _looks_ alright?” he critiqued, giving it a tentative poke. Crowley jumped. “You’ve got the folds in all the right places....have you formed the insides correctly as well?”

“Only as far as the cervix,” the Demon replied. “No need for any of that uterus nonsense. Never going to use one of those!”

They laughed nervously at each other, before looking back at the diagram in hand.

Aziraphale cleared his throat. “Right, let’s give it a whirl, shall we?”

“Yes.” Crowley didn’t move from where he was stood.

“My dear,” the Angel began. “Lay on the sofa.”

“Oh! Right.” He shifted until he was laying back against the sofa cushions. “Aren’t you going to manifest a, uh, sausage to make use of it?”

“It’s called a penis, Crowley. Don’t mistake our efforts for food. Although, I am going to ‘eat you out’, as is said today, so I guess I’m getting all muddled up too.” Aziraphale frowned, before taking his position between the Demon’s legs.

Crowley took in a sharp breath.

Aziraphale sighed happily, leaning his head against the Demon’s thigh. “You really have made it quite attractive,” he commented. “A lovely little mound of hair too.”

“Angel, _please_ ,” Crowley whined, flushed all the way to his hairline.

“Of course.”

And Aziraphale dove right in.

He began by licking and sucking at the folds, before dipping his tongue in experimentally. Crowley wriggled beneath him, lightly clamping his legs around the Angel’s ears. The taste was _exquisite_ , and he was very glad to have suggested Crowley go first, just so he could have him writhe and moan and say his name breathlessly.

Aziraphale whorled his tongue inside him, then slipped out and licked tentatively at the apex of Crowley’s manifested effort, just below the tuft of hair.

Crowley didn’t react.

Aziraphale frowned. He’d read 50 Shades of Grey. He knows that this was meant to be pleasurable for the receiving party. He tried again.

Nothing.

Aziraphale sat back on his haunches and squinted up at the Demon, chin wet from his ministrations.

“Angel?” Crowley breathed, looking down at him.

“You blasted idiot,” Aziraphale swore. “You forgot to manifest a clitoris!”

Crowley’s face went blank. He blinked a couple of times, before answering, “I couldn’t find it on the diagram.”

Aziraphale harrumphed.

Back to the drawing board.

\--

Next Aziraphale decided to try manifesting a penis. More visible, less chance to cock it up.

Crowley surveyed the flaccid member with crossed arms.

“It looks different to the picture,” he murmured, looking back at the Anatomy book once more.

“Ah, yes, well see,” the Angel explained. “I wanted to try out one that was cut.”

“Cut?!” Crowley startled.

“ _Circumcised_ ,” Aziraphale elaborated. “All the rage in some cultures. I figured I’d get it right if I could see the whole thing, so this seemed like the best option.”

Crowley looked aghast. “But Angel, the foreskin is the most sensitive part of the body!”

“Where did you hear that?” Aziraphale raised a suspicious eyebrow.

Crowley shrugged. “Here and there. The internet- Look, you’re cheating. You should manifest the whole thing.”

“I’m quite happy with it, thank you very much. If you want foreskin so badly, make one of your own.”

So Crowley did.

And he made the foreskin about 3 times too long.

It looked vaguely like a windsock.

Aziraphale burst out laughing.

“What’s the matter, Angel? Am I showing too much skin?” Crowley smirked, waving his dick around like a flag of surrender.

Aziraphale laughed some more, struggling to get his words out. “Crow- please. You look _ridiculous_!”

“I don’t see what the problem is.” The Demon waggled his eyebrows, and sauntered up to the Angel, brushing their efforts together. “Yours looks all cold without a turtleneck. Here, you can share mine.”

Crowley took them both in hand, and true to his word, slotted Aziraphale’s penis up against his own, and slid the foreskin along his shaft.

Aziraphale was now weak with laughter. “Good lord, it looks like I’m being eaten by a Like Like!”

“You know Ocarina of Time, Angel?” Crowley asked in surprise, barely managing to hold himself together.

“It’s a classic,” Aziraphale explained.

Crowley made a noise of understanding.

At that moment, the door to the shop opened, despite being previously locked.

“Aziraphale, I have a proposition for you! I know things got a bit tetchy after the whole ‘failed armageddon’ thing, but-”

Gabriel entered the backroom, blinked at what he saw, and then walked straight back out again. The door to the bookshop closed with a tingle. They figured it would be a long time before they saw the Archangel again, if ever.

Stunned into silence, Aziraphale pulled back, only just freeing himself of Crowley, the extra long foreskin acting as a lacklustre Chinese finger trap.

“Make it look normal. We’ll use what we’ve got, come on dear boy.” The Angel gestured towards Crowley’s groin.

The Demon huffed and snapped his fingers.

“Better,” Aziraphale smiled, and took him in hand.

Crowley mirrored the gesture, and it wasn’t long before they were tugging each other into hardness.

Aziraphale licked his lips and sank to his knees. Then he let out a groan.

“What? What is it?” Crowley asked concerned, looking down at the Angel who was about to take him into his mouth.

“You’ve put it on backwards.”

Crowley’s fraenulum stared up at him as his glands pointed towards Aziraphale’s chin. He shrugged.

“Does it make a difference?”

Aziraphale hummed. “I suppose not.”

And he swallowed him down.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
> 
> Please leave a comment on what bit you found funniest or most cursed.
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/joseyxneko).  
> 


End file.
